Follow just about any Erotica author online and you’ll be treated with pictures of delicious men, snarky jokes about spanking, and tons of other fun tidbits. No doubt, my online search of sexy topics—purely in the name of research, mind you—has landed me on more than one pervvy, government watch list. Opening my email has become a daily adventure. I never know what sort of fan mail I’ll find inside. I’ve seen things…horrible things…things I cannot unsee. The award for keeping a straight face while answering questions should arrive in my mailbox any day.
During a recent interview, I was asked to
describe a day in the life of Charity Parkerson. This was the moment I realized
two important things. Not only is my life vastly different than what people
think, I also have not lost the awesome ability to horrify people
speechless. For anyone interested in
hearing about a day in the life of an erotica writer, here it is:
After dragging myself out of the
bed—kicking and screaming—I get my two boys ready for school, secretly praying
they are going to spend the day with someone blessed with infinite patience.
Eventually, I discover we are already ten minutes late. I then spend another
ten minutes standing by the door screaming for everyone to get their d@#m shoes
on, and praying someone with tons of patience is waiting to greet me at the
school. Thirty minutes of travel time from one end of town to the other-- in
order to drop them at two separate schools-- is spent listening to several
arguments. The top one usually consists of my youngest accusing my oldest of
being mean. The debate landing in second place is the one where I am accused of
never seeing how annoying my youngest is being to my oldest. If you add in my
fervent prayers for all the wonderful teachers out there to have strength, you
have the first couple of hours of my day. Once I have the house to myself, I drink a ton
of coffee while catching up on tweets, Facebook messages, and emails. After
obsessively checking my sales ranking and crying into my third cup of coffee, I
stare blankly at the wall for 4 hours while dreaming of hot MMA fighters,
police detectives, and demons. When I catch sight of the clock, I spend another
thirty minutes wailing over how I’ve wasted the whole day, before going on
Facebook to confer with my friends, only to realize they’re doing the same
thing. This, of course, makes everything right with the world again. With that
said, if it’s a month until my deadline, those four hours are spent alternating
between clicking away at the computer keys and hyperventilating into a paper
bag. If it’s the day after I’ve completed my manuscript, I’m patting myself on
the back and lying about how I wasn’t worried in the least. Oh, and
occasionally I spend my day dreaming about an organized computer where all my
files are competently labeled making them easy to find. Then I remember I can’t
afford minions and I’m over it.
Sorry to disappoint everyone who
believed I spent my day swinging from the chandelier. Maybe one of these days
hot cover models will feed me chocolate-covered strawberries. Unfortunately, it
will—most likely-- only be because I’m in the nursing home and it’s their job.
Until then, you could always read about the lives I live inside my mind.
pretty nice blog, following :)
ReplyDeleteA bunch of authors is now applauding you for telling the truth. LOL!
ReplyDeleteLOL!!! :-D
DeleteYou always make me laugh. I want hot cover models. Does three angry squirrels tapping on the window count?
ReplyDeleteLMFAO!!! As an author, you can make up your own men. They're not real, but they won't leave the toilet seat up. :-D
DeleteWhat's your favorite kind of coffee? :-)
ReplyDeleteI hope I'm the teacher with a lot of patience.
I love Starbucks but realistically I always end up drinking instant because I'm poor and lazy. Lol! You'll be an amazing teacher. 😊
Delete